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August 25, 2010

Heidi wants smaller implants

Just when she was starting to get on my good side, Heidi Montag has to get this crazy idea in her head that she wants smaller tits. You selfish bitch. From Life & Style:

“I’m desperate to go back to normal,” [Heidi] confides to Life & Style. “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.”

Just a D or a DD? But then she’ll be just like all the other small-breasted freaks out there. How will anyone take her seriously?

Besides being unable to hug her four dogs or wear anything but custom-made clothing, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs,” she says. “It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

And while Heidi tells Life & Style she is currently shopping for a surgeon in South America, she worries that she’ll be trapped in this cartoonish body forever after the untimely passing of her confidant Dr. Ryan. “I feel trapped in my own body,” Heidi tells Life & Style.

Well no wonder she wants to go to South America for this surgery. No reputable U.S. doctor would ever reduce the size of a woman’s breasts. That’s just crazy. But with a suitcase full of American dollars, you can get anything you want in South America. My friend actually got an iPad installed in his stomach. It is the coolest damn thing you’ve ever seen. We watched a movie on it yesterday.

Brought to you by CelebSlam

Filed under: Heidi Montag by admin at 9:06 pm

Wow. Imagine That

Life’s too short to care about your dignity or to pretend you’re divorced and fighting a vindictive ex-husband to stop the release of a sex tape, so Heidi Montag is now meeting with Vivid to work out a “backend deal”. OMG, I can hardly believe it! TMZ reports:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon. We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag. Hirsch told us he’s leaving for Costa Rica sometime next week.

Since they’re estranged and in the middle of a bitter feud, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are vacationing together in Costa Rica right now, so expect the sex tape to be released sometime soon. Mainly because they’re not even trying anymore to make this not look like exactly what it is. I don’t know if anybody has a swarm of bees or a bunch of mutant sharks with lasers for eyes laying around, but I hear Costa Rica has exciting vacation packages! In Costa Rica the visitor can enjoy lovely tropical beaches, the grandest adventures, the wonders of nature, scintillating culture, all the necessary components of an ideal vacation. No wonder, then, that thousands of tourists have made Costa Rica their top travel choice!

Brought to you by IDLYITW

Filed under: Heidi Montag by admin at 6:23 am

Heidi Montag Found Some Suckers

With it already being confirmed that Heidi Montag was in on Spencer Pratt’s sex tape scam the whole time, that didn’t stop her from selling an exclusive interview to Life & Style before they had time to figure out she just lied her way to the bank:

On the bullshit that landed this entire interview:
“I’m not aware of his filming me, but I wouldn’t put it past Spencer. He’s a sneaky guy and has little cameras everywhere that he got from China.”

On her bullshit fear about the sex tape being released:
“I’m mortified at the thought that people could be looking at me naked before I had the surgery.”

On hating her Size F breasts which is bullshit:
“I’m desperate to go back to normal. I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.I have major anxiety about it. I was taking painkillers but they weren’t working so I stopped. It hurt either way. I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

On how she’s stuck like this forever thanks to the death of Dr. Frank Ryan. — Bullshit:
“There’s just no fixing it. Dr. Ryan knows the work he did, he knows everything.”

In Life & Style’s defense, I can see how they might assume Heidi Montag is an innocent victim and not at all a carefully orchestrated publicity stunt wrapped in silicone that she apparently can never escape from because Dr. Ryan took the Matrix Cube with him to the underworld. She loves Jesus, you guys, and a Christian would never do porn, especially the gay kind, for a giant back end deal potentially in the millions. That’d be like Rupert Murdoch’s Saudi business partner funding the “mosque” at Ground Zero while FOX News pretends it’s a secret terrorist haven for ratings. These things just don’t happen.

Brought to you by The Superficial

Filed under: Heidi Montag by admin at 5:52 am

August 24, 2010

Heidi Montag Wants Her Sex Tape Money

Despite denying its existence earlier in the week, Heidi Montag (Seen above last fall before assuming her android form.) is now meeting with Vivid’s Steve Hirsch to get her cut of the sex tape Spencer Pratt “threatened” to release if she didn’t agree to do a reality show with him. So for those of you who checked “porn star” on your Heidi Montag’s Future scorecard, congratulations, all that voodoo worked. TMZ reports:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon.
We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

It should be noted that Kim Kardashian made $5 million off the release of her sex tape when she was a virtual unknown and was barely naked in it, so I can’t even imagine what kind of money Heidi will ask for considering this thing is pre- and post-op and includes Karissa Shannon. Except the sad part is this is all just going to culminate with her looking like Dolph Lundgren in drag like Spencer asked for in the first place. God, why do these things always end the same?

Brought to you by The Superficial

Filed under: Heidi Montag,Spencer Pratt by admin at 5:57 am

August 23, 2010

Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt Busted Together!

VIDEO

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are getting divorced and Spencer is threatening to release a flurry of sex tapes that feature his handiwork with Heidi, along with some girl-on-girl … so it’s more than telling that a paparazzi agency shot video of the two of them together Sunday at a resort in Costa Rica, frantically separating so they would not seem in cahoots.

Spencer told TMZ over the weekend he was in Costa Rica to turn over two dogs to Heidi but she wanted nothing to do with him. The video suggests otherwise.

Spencer says he’s given Heidi an ultimatum — either tear up the divorce papers and do a reality show with him, or he’ll release the sex tapes.

Isn’t it time we stopped buying the crap they’re selling?

Brought to you by Gone Hollywood

Filed under: Heidi Montag,Spencer Pratt by admin at 10:23 am

Heidi’s sex tape has girl on girl action

Late last Friday, it was learned that Spencer Pratt was threatening to release a sex tape featuring himself and his “estranged” wife, Heidi Montag 2.0. Since I hate Heidi and Spencer almost as much as lima beans, I really tried to stay away from the story as long as possible — and I did, for a whole 3 days. But then Heidi had to go and force my hand by getting it on with another chick (the chick in question being Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend, Karissa Shannon, pictured above). You scheming son-of-a-bitch! From TMZ:

Spencer Pratt has unearthed a girl-on-girl tape featuring Heidi Montag and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon …. sources tell TMZ. We’re told not too long ago Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi … moving out some of his stuff. Sources tell us Spencer came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off.

Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi. We could not reach Heidi and her reps were mum.

As for Karissa Shannon — she tells us such a tape does indeed exist, but she’s not convinced Spencer really has it. Karissa says if the tape ever sees the light of day, she’ll sue the pants off him.

Wow, a lesbian sex tape featuring an ex Playboy Playmate and Heidi Montag’s EEE tits? Heidi and Spencer are going to be rich! Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they made $8.1 million on this tape — or roughly the same amount of money Jennifer Aniston’s new movie The Switch debuted at this weekend. Ha Ha Ha, you suck Aniston! Just quit already.

Brought to you by CelebSlam

Filed under: Heidi Montag,Karissa Shannon by admin at 12:04 am

August 20, 2010

Heidi Montag Has A Sex Tape

Spencer Pratt is an unrepentant douche who needs to work on his perm and Heidi Montag could start for the USA Attention Whore team, so the only shock here is that we haven’t seen it yet. TMZ reports:

We’re told Spencer has contacted the Rolls-Royce of porn — Vivid Entertainment — and is asking for a meeting. As we first reported, Heidi has threatened to sue Spencer over a tell-all book — but she has not made any mention of a sex tape. Unclear if the alleged sex tape with Heidi is pre or post-op. Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch tells us, “I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.” He continues, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.” Spencer has told a friend that the alleged tape “makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur.”

Let’s not pretend that Heidi Montag isn’t directly involved with these negotiations and let’s really not pretend that my penis is abnormally large. It’s not. I mean, I’ll accept that check from BP Oil, but a lot of people helped out with that, not just me.


Brought to you by IDLYITW

Filed under: Heidi Montag,Spencer Pratt by admin at 12:08 am

August 18, 2010

Chick fight! Chick fight!

I don’t know why in the hell Molly Sims would comment on Heidi Montag, but she did, so let’s run with it. From Health magazine

Molly Sims feels sorry for surgically enhanced Heidi Montag. “I think Heidi Montag is a really sick girl, something is off. You don’t get F-size boobs. And I’m not judging her. I feel sorry for her,” Sims tells Health magazine.

Molly’s just jealous. Deep down inside, she probably just wishes she had platinum blonde hair, FFF boobs, and a waist so small she could use a charm bracelet for a belt. Of course, there’s probably one thing Heidi has that Molly’s glad she doesn’t have: a marriage certificate with Spencer Pratt’s name on it. Even though she looks like a living Barbie Doll, that piece of paper is more of a turn off to guys than if she had a penis.

Brought to you by CelebSlam

Filed under: Heidi Montag,Molly Sims by admin at 12:27 am

July 22, 2010

Snooki wants to beat up Heidi

Please let this fight happen . . . with grenades . . . in close quarters. From TMZ:

“I will punch her in the face because I don’t like her,” Snooki said when asked if Heidi should join her show. “She had too many surgeries. She looks like an alien and guidettes don’t look like aliens, just saying.”

Snooki was then asked if Heidi had said anything in the past to prompt such a reaction. She explained, “I don’t know [if she said anything about me]. I don’t research Heidi because she’s nothing to me.”

Well isn’t this ironic. Snooki calling someone out about altering their appearance is like Paris Hilton criticizing the Mariana Trench for being too “gaping.” The only people who wear more make-up than that midget Jersey freak are circus clowns and Mel Gibson’s girlfriend the day after she JUST …. WOULDN’T … LISTEN.

I think I speak for everyone here in saying that Snooki needs to just shut up . . . and by “shut up” I mean “catch Ebola.”

Brought to you by CelebSlam

Filed under: Heidi Montag,Snooki by admin at 12:51 am

June 12, 2010

Heidi Montag Posed For Playboy

In the least surprising (well, maybe not the least surprising), it has been confirmed that bolt-on attention whore Heidi Montag has posed for Playboy. I mean, what the hell else was she gonna do? People reports:

Details of her Playboy photos are, um, scant: “There is nudity. It’s tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it,” says a second source. A rep for the magazine had no comment, and Montag’s rep was not immediately available to respond to questions.

For Heidi’s sake, I really hope showing her tits and spreading her legs for the camera finally gives her the attention she so desperately craves. Also for her sake, I hope her tits look like orbs of God’s love and her vagina shoots out rainbows, because after this, that’s gonna be pretty much it. Mostly because the rest of her looks like something you’d have to euthanize after she broke her leg at the track.

Brought to you by IDLYITW

Filed under: Heidi Montag by admin at 1:29 am
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